Busted

I was sitting at my computer the other day when my daughter, Ferne sneaked up on me.

"Aha! I caught you!" she said.

"You did? What did I do?"

"You know all those ideas you have about living a happy life?"

"Yeah?"

"You got them from a book! That's cheating!"

The truth is... I got those ideas from many books and as the years pass, I continue to build my library of books that provide ideas about how to live a happy life.

Unfortunately, living a happy life is not something that just happens naturally for most people. With life's ups and downs, often it's a struggle to stay on the sunny side of the street. Bad things happen in the world and it's a challenge not to pay attention to all the grey around us. Terrorism, abuse, rape, theft, divorce, illness. Life isn't always easy.

But some people do live a happy life and the rest of us are left bewildered at how they can always be so cheerful and so optimistic. They walk around with a consumate glow and a constant smile that makes us wonder if they simply live on a different planet. Are they not aware of all the tradegy around us? Do they not read the news? It's just not realistic to be happy all the time!

For them, happiness is an action, not a passive occurance. It's a deliberate decision that they have made and implement daily. It's a choice and it's a life priority.

Ferne's accusations arose when she found a book I had been reading called "How we Choose to be Happy" written by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks. They describe happy people:

"One of the the things that makes them special is their unique answer to the classic question: Is the glass half full or half empty? Their answers are what set them apart from the rest of us.

Happy people will say that the glass is both half empty and half full. Life is about coming to terms with both perceptions of the glass. Happiness is the result of our conscious responses to both the wonderful and the tragic components of life. They would tell you that what creates a happy life cannot be reduced to a single cause - happiness is multifaceted."

So, I got caught red-handed! Perhaps Ferne will find herself curious one day and pick up some of the books I have just lying around the house...maybe one day I will catch her too! How proud I would be to have played any part in her decision to be happy!

Dump, Dump, then Dump the Dump

There are some friendships that aren't planned, or deliberate, but just grow deeply over time. My friend, let's call her D, is one such friend.

D just got rid of a huge cancer in her life; her boyfriend for the past 7 years, on the day of her birthday. Happy Birthday D! Typically, a friend should show empathy for this kind of loss, particularly after such a long time together, but in this case I am rather serious when I say that it is truly a time of celebration.

He had not one redeeming quality about him.

Smart? No
Kind? No
Well Accomplished? No
Good looking? Other than his pecks, not even!

There was nothing about him that was attractive. She is a single mother with 4 teenage kids. He lived in her house, he didn't work, he 'borrowed' her money, used drugs, had a fist fight with her son, and had the nerve to tell her that she would never find another speciman like him. What a blessing!

For years I have been having the conversation with her that she deserves more in her life, that he is nothing but a noose around her neck, that he is horrible for her kids and that he sucks her dry. And for years she has agreed whole heartedly. But it took years for her to find the courage to let him go.

What was it that held her back?

Fear of the unknown? Yes
Fear of being alone? Yes
Fear of not finding someone else? Yes
Fear of never being enough? Absolutely

And perhaps the first three of those fears are overcomable but the last can be debilitating because it is truly the fear of never being enough that gets in the way of realizing that you are more than enough right this minute. And that is the key - just believing you are already enough. It's a funny thing - that kind of belief doesn't just happen overnight, especially after years and years of harmful programming.

So here is what I told D to do: Get a journal and write in the journal every day. Get rid of all the crap swimming in your head. Complain, moan, groan, feel sorry for yourself, curse, blame, and belittle - just dump it out. And when you are close to being finished, keep dumping until there is nothing left. And then stop. Reread what you have written and then dump the dump. Start to write the story of your life now as you want it to be. Write about who you are in your ideal world, what your life is like, what you are grateful for and why you are more than enough right this minute. And keep writing. Every day. Never stop - until you believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are not only more than enough, you are the bomb!

On a Scale of 1 - 10

Okay, I admit it. I was eavesdropping. But that’s what mothers do when they overhear an interesting conversation between their 11 year old son (Louis) and his friends.

In my world, kid birthdays are a big deal – we go all-out in every way – great food, great theme, great entertainment, and ultra great loot bags. We have a reputation for great parties and every year we try to outdo the previous year.

This year Louis went out on a huge limb for his birthday – he decided to have a disco party and most of his guests were the boys from his class with a few scattered girls enforced as a result of family ties. He had a DJ who orchestrated party games and doled out prizes. There were disco lights and a fog machine. Louis gave loot bags to die for – each filled with a variety of cool toys, goodies and an animal designed cd case holding a cd with a selection of music entitled “Louis’ Picks 2007”. There was popcorn and smores and cake and pizza and even falafel for the lingering adults. As cool as it was all supposed to be, it was still a risky choice – after all, how many 11 year old boys like to dance?

At the end of the party as the parents began arriving to pick up their children, Louis took two of his closest friends aside and asked them the following question:

“On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate my party?”

I was horrified! How could he ask such a question? How could he put his friends in such an uncomfortable position? What if the answer was negative? How did he have the nerve?

Before I had a chance to jump in and rescue the situation, the answer came…

“We rate it a 10!”

I was totally relieved! Of course it was a 10 – what else did I expect? Why was I so worried???

Replaying the conversation in my mind, I reflected on the question he asked his friends and wondered what would happen if we asked our clients to rate us on a scale of one to ten? Would we be afraid to hear the answer? Why are we so terrified to ask? Wouldn’t it benefit us to know and make adjustments if the response was below a 9?

It truly takes courage to ask for truth and feedback from others where performance is concerned. We tend to shy away from seeking feedback because our mindset tricks us into thinking that any criticism means we are not so great after all. Or perhaps we are not such brilliant business owners or our product is not as wonderful as we espouse it to be. Negative feedback is perceived as deflating and sends us into a spiral of self doubt and debilitation.

I suppose that’s one way to look at it. Another is to view negative feedback as a gift that only the courageous obtain and do something with. Often it’s the negative feedback that gives birth to new ideas or creates an even stronger will to succeed. Sometimes there is a gem of information in the feedback that provides you with just the right ingredient that makes all the difference in the world spawning tremendous success. Asking for and receiving feedback is really just a matter of choice and courage.

On a scale of 1 – 10 how do you rate this article?